Critics have leveled charges that no Democratic candidate seems to have any set plans that they would implement if elected, rather, the Democratic lineup has been accused of just launching criticisms instead of offering solutions. Hillary Rodham effectively terminated such irresponsible talk during a recent speech in which she assured voters that if elected she would fix health care, end global warming, stop the genocide in Darfur, and end the war in Iraq. Hillary has also stated that she would be willing to seize the profits from privately held corporations and apply them to social needs, all while maintaining our current free enterprise system. No other candidate can hope to accomplish such goals, but we have been assured that by giving Ms. Rodham the control of our executive branch, she will see to it that all of these matters are reconciled.

Just think, by tilting one election, all Americans will receive unlimited amounts of free health care just for the asking. No other candidate promises to heal the sick, but Ms. Rodham will see to it that every American receives efficient, government regulated health care. With Ms. Rodham at the helm, we will be able to enjoy a health care system that offers the same efficiency that we have come to expect from other government run services.

Senator Clinton has also assured us that if we give her the power she seeks she will see to it that global warming is stopped. Since global warming is attributed to the self-regulation the sun does as a method to keep from instantly burning itself out, it seems only logical that we as Americans should be willing to give political authority to a person that is capable of altering the actions of the sun itself. The mere fact that an entity with such powers only demands control over one branch of our government is just more evidence of Ms. Rodham’s concern for our well being.

In her speech, our NY Senator informed us that if she were president, she would see to it that the record profits earned by Exxon would be seized by the government and used for finding alternative fuel sources. This is great news, and with any luck a President Rodham would initiate similar seizures from every other corporation, as well as individual workers. If a sales clerk pulls in $200 a week in wages, but it only cost her $100 in gas and other expenses to do her job, then the clerk has earned a surplus of $100. This $100 should then be taken and given to a government agency that would be responsible for finding alternative methods for clothiers to sell their goods. It only makes sense that profits earned are taken by the government and used to put the profit earner out of business. Fortunately for American free enterprise, Ms. Rodham has the rare cerebral quality that allows her to see things in such a light.

Ms. Rodham also states she will end the genocide going on in Darfur. She recognizes that the United States should readily involve itself in the affairs of another nation when that nation is abusing its own citizenry, except in cases where such abuse is being performed by a certain Iraqi dictator. As such, Ms. Rodham makes perfect sense with her desires to stop the killing of citizens in Darfur, while supporting the withdrawal from Iraq and the Cambodian killing field affect that such a withdrawal will lead to. This position is so easy to comprehend that even the Kurds in Iraq know that having their ranks thinned by Saddam was not genocide as defined in Dafur. America was evil for stopping internal Iraqi bloodshed, and America is evil for not stopping the internal bloodshed in Dafur.

Which brings us to our last point: the ending of war in Iraq. Ms. Rodham has agreed to stop the war in the region if we provide her with presidential powers. With her election, the warring factions have apparently agreed to lay down their arms and make no further threats against our nation and our way of life. We will be able to depart from the Middle East forever, simply because president Rodham will broker a truce that will mend the centuries old regional fence. We will be able to stop the war because the threat of terrorism will be halted, and the jihadists will finally realize that violence is not the right answer. It is even rumored that she can negotiate a deal whereby the Bin Laden family will pay to rebuild the World Trade Center.